Thursday, April 23, 2009

Where is my studio??
Originally uploaded by Lunasa Designs
Please be patient... This is what my studio looks like right now!
My very well-meaning father in law decided we would unpack faster if all the boxes from the truck were in the very spot designated for my studio. He would have been right - But none of us were counting on my dad's death and then Kristi's death... Kind of put the damper on unpacking stuff.

Now we like our house as it is. Simple. Uncluttered. Minimalist. I don't even want to unpack these boxes....
I don't even know what's in them at this point.
As the days pass, I find myself caring less and less about finding out what's in them.

I DO want to set up my studio though!

I'm itching to start working again. Itching to get these ideas out of my head and transferred to metal.

Perhaps I'll rent a storage unit? Have a garage sale?

A garage sale would mean I still have to open and go through each box {sigh} something I'm not looking forward to!

I wish I had a magic wand - I would wave it now and everything would magically disappear and my studio would magically appear. {Maybe with some new, shiny tools too??}

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Originally uploaded by Lunasa Designs
After a long trip and a few hard losses - I've finally decided to re-open my shop. I feel like I've been gone for a really long time...
Etsy feels like that good friend I've been neglecting -

My studio isn't set up yet - so there are no new items in my shop yet. Everything you see is what I have in stock - I hope it is a 'clearing out' of sorts before I embark on bigger and better things.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Yesterday we took a crazy little trip down to Espanola, New Mexico to be with Chris, the kids and Kristi’s family. 2 days after his mother’s death, it was Mateo’s 7th birthday.
Mateo and Connor are the same age and used to hang out as babies and toddlers when we still lived in New Mexico. I don’t think they remembered each other – but they definitely struck up a friendship as if no time had passed.
Chris wanted to make Mateo’s birthday as normal as possible. I know it was tough for him to put aside his own intense grief for this one day - but he did it for his son and made it a day all about Mateo.
It felt wrong not to see Kristi there. It feels wrong to see Chris without her. To watch her kids running around without her. It felt so surreal and heartbreaking – I thought that she would walk through the door at any minute… scoop up her baby – kiss Mateo on the head, put her arm around Kaycee…. Roll her eyes at me as our husband’s drank too much and made fools of themselves.
Only she wasn’t there…. And thankfully there was no “drinking too much” on this day.
We watched the kids play and laugh and took what comfort we could from their pure approach to life. And death.
I was glad that we took the long trek down to NM. Connor and Elijah and Mateo beat the crap out of a huge Piňata and Mateo laughed, genuinely, for the first time since Kristi’s death.
It was hard for me to watch Chris. I know exactly where he is right now. I went through it 11 years ago when my first husband Dan died. I cannot imagine going through that kind of intense grief with three kids though… I didn’t have to be responsible to anyone but myself when Dan died. I didn’t have to take care of anyone, change diapers, read bedtime stories… Help 3 little one’s through their own grief. I know that he see’s Kristi every time he looks into their faces.
It was heartbreaking for me to look into their faces. I can’t even imagine what it is like for Chris and Kristi’s mom and sisters. Sweet Kaycee is as calm and collected as she has ever been. I used to call her the smartest 4 year old in the world… With an old soul and eyes that miss nothing. Now, I think she is the smartest 11 year old in the world. I worry that she will grow up too fast – she is already taking on the “mama” role to her little brothers.
Miles is only 18 months old – I wonder if he has any concept of what is happening right now – maybe he knows more than we do. He has steady, soulful eyes. I was holding him at one point and he turned my head towards him and just stared into my eyes for what seemed like forever. He was trying to figure me out.
As we were saying our goodbyes, Kristi’s mom held onto my hands and said, “She loved you guys – and she made sure that we knew it”. I tried really hard not to cry at that point and said, “we really loved Kristi too”..
We dropped the kids off at Scott’s parent’s house and made the long trek back up to Canon City (a 5 hour drive) so that Scott could square up things at work today before we go back down to Espanola (tomorrow) for Kristi’s funeral…. Then up to Denver (on Friday) to catch a flight to Detroit and make it up to my dad’s farm for his memorial service on Saturday. I was initially upset when Scott bought the plane tickets to Detroit – I wanted to be there much earlier – at least a few days so that I could help my siblings prepare for the service. Tickets were just too expensive for anything earlier. I’m glad now. Glad that we are able to be here for Kristi’s funeral.

Right now I sit in a quiet house, alone with my thoughts. I hadn’t realized how much of a GOOD distraction my 3 boys were for me. I’ve never been afraid to be alone with my thoughts – but right now it feels like too much to deal with. I don’t normally survive by distraction and “covering up” but today I must. Time to write a list and prepare for the long next few days ahead of us.

Monday, April 06, 2009

In case anyone can make it to my dad's memorial service - it is on April 11, at 1pm at my dad's farm in central Michigan. Please email me for directions.

Here is an old article about my dad that I think captures his life pretty well - there are a few facts wrong in the article - but nothing that is a huge deal (my parents actually owned the farm - along with my two uncles - since 1974 not 1983 as the article infers).

What can we do?
I feel like I'm in a bad dream right now.
I've barely even dealt with the reality of my dad's death - and now Kristi is dead.
We shouldn't have to figure out if we can go down to New Mexico to be with Chris and the kids right now - We should just be able to drop everything and go...

We leave on Friday for my dad's memorial.

I will feel really bad for Scott if we can't go to Kristi's funeral.

Her death is heartbreaking to me - on many different levels. For one, because it's Kristi. Sweet, funny, strong, a good friend to my husband and his family... and she was welcoming and open to me when I joined the "family". Maybe it helped that her (then 4 year old) daughter Kaycee never stopped talking about me...
My heart also breaks for her 3 beautiful children. Kaycee, Mateo and Miles. She fell asleep next to the boys and just didn't wake up in the morning. She had no health issues, no symptoms besides feeling a little "off" the night before. Her boys woke up, couldn't wake up their mama and ran to get their dad... I can't even imagine what they are going through right now. Mateo is 7, Miles is about 18 months old, Kaycee is about 11.
Kristi was my age (34).
If I had health insurance right now - I would go for a full physical today. I cannot believe that she is gone at such a young age and with no warning.

She was a bright light in our lives and she will be greatly missed.
Kristi and Kaycee 1999
(all of our more recent pictures are still packed)

If death happens in 3's I sure hope that our bearded dragon, Fluffy counts as one. I'm not sure how much more Scott and I can handle right now.

Yesterday we found out that one of Scott's best friends, Kristi has died. He has known Kristi since he was a kid - She became his first love and then best friend.

She went on to marry Chris - he and Scott became such good friends that Chris was his best man in our wedding.

At this point we don't know what happened. We only know that Chris found her dead yesterday morning.

One of the BIG reasons we were looking forward to moving here was so that we could be closer to Chris and Kristi and all hang out again...

My heart aches for Scott - He wants to drive down to New Mexico to be there for Chris - but with my dad's memorial/funeral coming up it seems impossible. Scott needs to be there... I wish I could wave a magic wand and get him down there - make work disappear for him for a few days... How much more can we take this year? I feel so worn out right now that I can't even feel anything - I know that it will all slam into me in a few weeks once everything has settled down.

Our bearded dragon's death seems inconsequential in all of this - poor fluffy... You will be missed too my little buddy.

We love you Kristi - I am sending all of my thoughts to Chris and your beautiful children and to my husband Scott who has lost a really good friend.